Clarity In My Chaos.

So its been awhile since I’ve posted a good blog, and alot has happened so this blog is going to be very long. And realize this isn’t for anyone’s entertainment; my blogs are mostly for me to track my life, progress, and little adventures. So read it, dont read…I really dont care. Haha. :P

Anyways….

For Thanksgiving my family and I decided to drive up to my aunt’s house in Arizona. It’s a 12 hour drive, but it felt much longer because we brought along my 5 year old cousin. For those that dont know, my parents have been fighting to get custody of Jordan, my cousin, because my mom’s sister has already lost custody of her 4 other daughters as a result of her meth addiction. It’s a very sad situation. My mother couldn’t stand to see Jordan go into foster care, so Jordan will be staying with  my family for the next 4 months until the court makes it’s decision to give her back to her mom if she straightens up her life or give custody to my parents.

Jordan is a very hyper active child, and keeping her entertained on the way to Arizona was a tiring task, since our cars dvd player wasn’t working. My brother wasn’t much help since he and Jordan do NOT like each other whatsoever. However we eventually made it there.

My aunt lives about an hour outside of Tucson, in a very tiny town of less than 400 people, called Amado. Im not quite why my aunt and uncle decided to move to Amado, and I didn’t think it could get worse than Tulare, but Amado proved me very wrong.

Thanksgiving can be described with one word: DELICIOUS. Deep fried turkey is the best. :) Mashed potatoes and gravy, sweet potatoes with marsh mellows, and lemon merengue pie were among my favorite dishes. No pretzel salad though, which was disappointing, because that’s one of my favorites. =/

The next day we went to the Tucson Reid Park Zoo. Michael (12) and William (5), my other cousins (my aunt’s kids) were with us as well. Michael and my brother mostly stayed with each other, and for some reason, Jordan and William wanted to be around me ( I guess Im good with children), and were with me the entire time we were at the zoo, but I had fun.

That evening we played Clue, and the little ones played Candy Land. I attempted to play both, but had trouble focusing on both. Haha. Them the adults and I played 31; I usually kick ass when playing cards, but this time around I had horrible luck; me and my dad were the first ones out. My mom ended up winning, and she isn’t much of a card player.

Saturday morning we left early so we could get back to Tulare before it got too late. After some tearful goodbyes we went on our way. For the first time when we were on the freeway, my family experienced a sandstorm. It was scary, there was 0 visibility. We couldnt see anything at all. But we survived.

After many hours and many potty breaks we made it home. :]

While Im not a fan of the desert and the lack of greenery, I must say I loved the mountainous landscape and the sunsets in Arizona rival those in California. Very lovely. :) I’ll post some pics afterwards.

I always do alot of thinking when I go on long trips. I think about the future, about my life right now, how I can make things better.

Im very worried about moving back home with my parents, because with Jordan living with us, legally she has to have her own room. Currently she is living in my brother’s room and my brother is living in my room. I was supposed to move into the downstairs game room when I move back home. However, now my dad doesnt want to move the pool table and thinks its a good idea for my brother and I to share a room. WTF! Are you kidding me? He expects me to deal with the stress of going to college full time, go to work, and live in a room with my brother. My room is small as it is, but with him in there we are sure to get on each other’s nerves in a short time. I see it now, tempers are going to flare. Things aren’t looking good.

Also, I have a 450 dollar speeding ticket I need to pay off. In a couple of weeks Im going to have to go to court in order get my speed lowered enough so I can go to traffic school. That way my parent’s will still pay my car insurance. GOD! I hate that Im still so dependent on them.

With that said, Im going to have to quit my current job in a few weeks, since the drive back and forth from Hanford wont be worth the money Im making now. Im considering getting 2 jobs, in order to pay off the ticket and save up enough so I can afford to be out on my own.

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Last but not least, Im gonna talk about an ever present topic in my life: Guys! Lol.

So I think I have Distance Seperation Disorder. Simply said, I really wish I could with this guy that I like very much, and who likes me very much. He lives 4 hours away, but it feels so much farther. :(

Its odd, at one time, I believed that I really didn’t have true feelings for him, but something changed in me, and now I find myself a little closer to the edge everyday. One push could send me falling full heartedly into love. He and I have yet to meet in person, but as of December 30, he and I will finally be together. Makes me very nervous. Taking that into account, I also have a seed of doubt inside me. What if we were to meet and he realizes Im not what he thought I was? What if we were both blind sighted by the thought of falling in love with someone else who wants the same, that we realize we aren’t meant for each other? I guess “What if’s” will get me nowhere, but I can’t help but think about that as well.

I do know that I long to be next to him, more and more each day, and truly hope that what we feel for each other is real. <3

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Im determined to push through these obstacles ahead. Im going to work hard. Harder than I’ve ever had to work before, because I know it will get me somewhere someday. And that somewhere may be closer to him. =]

My laptop was making this buzzing noise, so I hit and i think i killed it :(

Also, I miss people. And I feel like I haven’t talked to any of my friends in weeks.

And……my tumbarity went down 200 points since Ive been in Arizona. WTH.

Lol. Its funny how Im even worrying about that.

Gotta get my life in order when I drive back to Hanford tomorrow. Hello REALITY!

BIG blog tomorrow.

Anyways…goodnight tumblrs.

Im close to a month now.

I’ll get back to blogging again, when i get back to California.

I feel really ugly all of a sudden.

Now I feel like chopping off all my hair.